Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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