We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
