I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
