I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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