I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
