it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
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i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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