??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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