We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
