i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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