I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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