Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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