I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
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He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs