I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
