Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
