is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
