Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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