Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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