I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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