If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
