Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
