My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
