Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
