The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
