I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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