My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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