Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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