hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
