I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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