How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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