You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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