I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize