"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
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if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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