The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
