Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
