Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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