I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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