then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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