I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
