two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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