It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
