Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
