If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
