i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
