You're earring is so big in my mouth
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
