Already got asked if we're dating
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
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On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
did i just pee glitter
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