Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
