who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
