he told me I talked like a deaf person
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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