Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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