dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
