found the other keg... it's in the tree
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
