It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
