I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
