I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
