I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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