I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
