also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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