Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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