so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
